Verdict: .5 / 5
Kill Em All is a series of fights linked together by people speaking very poor English for a while. This is an acceptable form of filmmaking, because at the end of the day some people enjoy seeing proper fights, especially in certain martial arts, they can be rather artistic. However, for that to occur, the fights need to be good. Without that, you really do have nothing.
Kill Em All is a Thai film, featuring the plot of a group of international assassins all trapped together by a sinister figure, and who are forced to fight to the death. Fighting then occurs. IT doesn’t go very well. Most of the actors try to speak English for a while, but they haven’t done it much before, and so that doesn’t go very well either. IT seems like the sort of film made for a person who has no access to any other media in the world, and who would therefore never know that there’s anything better out there.
The actors are barely acting, the camera work is disgusting, and the fights are boring and unimaginative. This movie is a time thief, and as it has nothing to offer, it is in fact a clear example of a vampire film, not because it features vampires at all (though I wish it did, just to spice things up a bit in the monotony) but because it is a soulless monster that offers nothing and takes everything from you to sustain itself.
If you’ve ever wanted to fall asleep during a loud and extravagant action scene, with violence at every moment that does nothing but send you to Morpheus’ dark realm, I can highly recommend Kill Em All. For any other sensible viewer, if you come across a copy, drive a stake into its heart and burn the DVD. If this causes trouble at the store, send me a message and I’ll help you out. At no point should you let your wallet get close to this movie, as you may be tricked into sustaining its undead soulless existence.