Jurassic World Rebirth Movie Review – Now That’s One Big Pile of…

Let’s get this out of the way immediately: Jurassic World Rebirth is the worst instalment in the franchise. While everyone criticizes the previous trilogy, at least it tried to take risks (even if it failed more than succeeded). In this movie, it’s like someone asked ChatGPT to produce a Jurassic Park/World script. The result is a soulless, pointless entry that confirms this franchise is deader than the Snyderverse.

So, if you have seen the trailers, you have seen the movie. Pharmaceutical company ParkerGenix convinces mercenary Zora Bennett (Scarlett Johansson), paleontologist Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey), and several others to head off to ANOTHER island to gather DNA samples from the largest dinosaurs. These samples will help ParkerGenix to create a new miracle drug to combat heart disease. A noble cause, because gene-spliced dinosaur DNA must be totally safe and scientifically accurate to use on humans, right? RIGHT?

Now, this story takes place five years after the events of Jurassic World: Dominion, so everyone is well aware of what’s happened every time humans encounter dinosaurs. On the way to the island, Zora and the team save a shipwrecked family, who were attacked by – guess what? – dinosaurs. Anyway, they head off to the island, which also happens to be the place in which InGen played Frankenstein and created mutant dinosaurs (again, do you really want this DNA?). So, yeah, you have dinosaurs that look like the family from The Hills Have Eyes here.

It would be all too easy to say, “Just go with it.” However, Jurassic World Rebirth actually hurts the brain over how stupid it is. It’s as if these people are blissfully unaware of how dangerous this new dino-world is and walk into trouble unprepared, even though they have had over three decades of dealing with dinosaurs. Look, this franchise has never been about cheering for the human characters, but this time around, you actually want to set up a deadpool and hope that no one makes it out alive. Whether it’s the silly family spending quality time in the middle of the ocean – away from safety and civilization – or Zora’s dumb-as-rocks team who act more like Stormtroopers than soldiers, they’re all idiots. Every single one of them.

Let’s not even get started on the performances in this movie. Someone needs to ask Scarlett Johannson to blink twice if she’s doing this movie against her will and needs help, because she puts in zero effort and emotion as Zora. There’s nothing likable about the character, nor does it look like Johannson wants to be doing this movie. Mahershala Ali and Jonathan Bailey are the only two actors who make any attempt to add something – anything – to this movie. Even if the script isn’t great, they at least make you feel for their characters. In terms of Ed Skrein? Shame. He needs a new agent. Pronto.

Jurassic World Rebirth also commits the cardinal sin: it removes velociraptors from the action. The MVPs of Jurassic Park/World get traded in for gigantic-gulleted oversized dino-seagulls (probably all named Steven) and a big-headed, doofus-looking monster that looks like a castoff idea from Alien: Resurrection. Yeah, this is where this series is at right now: mutant dinosaurs. Remember how the X-Men were considered the children of the atom? These are the children of the blandom!

The only redeeming dino-action scene occurs on the water, as the team travels to the island. Director Gareth Evans might want to thank Steven Spielberg the next time he sees him, though, since this “borrows” a lot from Jaws here. That said, the scene adds something novel to the series, while everything else is a rehash of what’s been done before – or spoiled in the trailer.

It’s incredible just how far the Jurassic Park/World franchise has fallen. In 1993, Jurassic Park turned out to be a monumental piece of cinema – it’s a movie that made you believe that dinosaurs could walk the Earth. Now? It’s a franchise that has no bite left – case in point, Jurassic World Rebirth. As it stands, I’d welcome a reboot that actually takes it right back to the start rather than see the story continue to paint itself into a corner.

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