Christmas in the DC Universe has always been weird if you pay attention. Superman fights space gods, Batman punches clowns, and somewhere between all that chaos, Santa Claus casually exists. Not mall Santa. The real one. The guy who can break into Apokolips every year just to hand Darkseid a lump of coal. That alone tells you everything you need to know. In a DCU that’s officially branded Gods and Monsters, the idea of Father Christmas showing up feels less strange than you’d think. Especially now, with James Gunn running the show and Jason Momoa gearing up to play Lobo. Which brings us to one of the strangest, bloodiest bits of DC holiday history that somehow still hasn’t been fully embraced.
In the spirit of Christmas, it’s time to take a look at something which is just full of holiday cheer and festive spirit. It’s also time to look at the short fan-film adaptation of the infamous The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special comic book, simply because it makes sense at this time of the year. Yes, it’s Ho-Ho-Lobo Time.
The premise of The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special is simple: Lobo, DC’s baddest intergalactic alien bounty hunter, gets hired by the Easter Bunny to whack Santa Claus. That’s it. There’s nothing more to it than that. Still, it’s the simplest ideas which work, and nobody ever accused the Lobo comic books of being the most intellectual reads ever. They were about blood and guts and having a good laugh, and they were lots of fun. Thankfully, the people behind this short film knew that, and they didn’t try to tart it up in any way. It’s short and to the point.
That being said, here’s a run-down of what happens…
1) Lobo walks into a bar.
2) Lobo gets hired by the Easter Bunny to kill Santa.
3) Lobo goes to the North Pole and slaughters some elves.
4) Lobo confronts Santa.
5) Santa tries to distract Lobo by giving him a gift, so that he can kill Lobo.
6) Lobo kills Santa.
7) Lobo kills the Easter Bunny too, because he hates the holidays.
8) The End.
It’s a weak but silly story, and this was filmed on a really small budget, so don’t expect any glossiness. The guy playing Lobo, Andrew Bryniarski (Zangief in 1991’s Street Fighter and Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning), looks decent, and so do those playing the Easter Bunny and Santa. There’s not much real violence on screen, though, which is a bit of a shame, and the sound quality and editing could have been better. But for what it is, it’s still a handy way to waste 13 minutes. So there you have it.
Strangely, if there’s something The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special proves, though, it’s how DC/Warner Bros. really missed the boat on not doing a proper Lobo film a few years ago. Sure, it would have been a gamble. Having an ultra-violent, rule-breaking anti-hero and playing them for laughs is a tough sell if not done right, and maybe it would only appeal to a small audience. But then, who would even take that chance?
Of course, what makes all of this hit differently now is timing. Lobo is officially on his way into the DCU. Santa already has a history in DC live-action, thanks to appearances in Smallville, and James Gunn has proven he understands how to twist holiday sentiment into something funny and slightly unhinged (just look at The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special). The 1992 Lobo’s Paramilitary Christmas Special comic by Keith Giffen, Alan Grant, and Simon Bisley didn’t play Santa as sweet. Kris “Crusher” Kringle was a bare-knuckle brawler, and Lobo hijacked Christmas using the Naughty and Nice list like a hitman’s spreadsheet. Brutal and dumb but perfect.
A DCU Christmas special built around that idea doesn’t even need to be canon. Frame it as a warped story Lobo tells kids to scare them straight. Let Santa stay mythic. Let Lobo be ridiculous. At this point, the real crime would be not having a Jason Momoa Lobo Christmas story.
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