Hold The Fort Movie Review – The Horror SNL Sketch That Just Won’t End

If you’ve ever thought your Homeowners Association was a nightmare, Hold The Fort takes that idea literally and runs wild with it. This slapstick horror comedy turns the dreaded HOA experience into a literal hellscape, where what should’ve been a fresh start quickly spirals into a full-blown nightmare with zombies, witches, ghouls, and werewolves running rampant.

It focuses on Lucas and Jenny, suburban newbies with big dreams, who think they’ve scored big time with the purchase of their first home in a quiet neighborhood called Gruber Hills. This is the sort of place where you’re greeted with friendly smiles and waves from a community that hopes to all be good friends and hang out at the local barbecue together. Then Jerry Klein, the quirky and overly eager HOA president, knocks on their door with an invitation to the annual gathering. Sounds like a good time to get to know everyone, right? Jenny hesitates, but Lucas says yes without thinking, and before they can process what’s happening, they’re standing under a banner that reads: “Welcome to the Equinox. Please don’t die.”

One of their new neighbors grins ominously and says, “Strange? You haven’t even begun to see strange.” And that’s when the polite suburban dream cracks wide open. A portal to hell bursts open, grotesque creatures pour out, and what should’ve been small-town hospitality turns into a monster-splattered brawl.

Director William Bagley clearly loves his splatstick. “There are heaps of spurting, splashing gore and a nonstop parade of practically-created creatures and zombies,” the promotional material promises, and he definitely delivers on that front. Heads explode, guts fly, and McScruffy, the local gun-toting legend, stomps in to save the day, or at least blow the head off anything that bites.

The chaos in Hold The Fort is clearly designed to be outrageous and a little ridiculous, but the film’s biggest problem is that it tries to be clever and self-aware, and it doesn’t always work. The jokes feel forced, and the leads don’t have the charm to make the absurdity fun. When Nicolas Cage and Nicolas Hoult ripped through Renfield with campy brilliance, they sold the madness. Lucas and Jenny aren’t interesting enough. Nor are the actors playing those characters. Once the madness starts, you quickly stop rooting for them and just wait for the next monster attack.

Bagley leans into a VHS-era B-movie vibe. You know, cheap-looking creatures and ridiculous shocks. But instead, it becomes exhausting just thirty minutes in. A werewolf that looks like a guy in a Halloween costume could’ve been hilarious, but here it just feels lazy. As a short film, this idea might’ve worked, but at an hour and fifteen minutes, it feels like torture. The joke gets old fast, dragging on like a Saturday Night Live sketch that refuses to end.

Technically, the film looks great. There’s solid lighting, well-composed shots, and high-quality production here and there – which is impressive for a film that started out as a Kickstarter project (106 backers pledging $37,643).

I suppose that if you’re into over-the-top gore with friends, this might be your thing. It’s the kind of film that you’d fire up if you’re with a bunch of guys who want to get high and have fun laughing at bloody explosions and silly kills. It’s background entertainment, not a film you sit down to analyze, or even watch more than once.

But if you’re after clever satire or real scares, you’ll be wishing McScruffy would just blast Hold The Fort back into the portal it came out of.

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