It is all a conspiracy. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles might be exactly what they are labelled as, but they are also something far worse. Much worse than Darth Vader’s Death Star or the demise of Cherry Coke. I hate to break this to you, but I’m afraid I’ll have to: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are really a boy band.
Here are five reasons:
1. Rat Manager
Behind every successful boy band is a rat manager, who would sell his own mother for a packet of branded Skittles. I mean, really, why else would Master Splinter adopt 4 mutated reptiles and give them such marketable names? I predict the initial meeting in Hollywood must’ve gone a little like this: Splinter: “Hmm…let’s start a boy band, made up of 4 turtles, all named after Renaissance artists!” Execs: “We love it! Here’s $20 million!”
I still believe after the Turtles’ popularity waned in the mid-90s, Splinter was responsible for the ghastly Street Sharks, another boy band made up of sharks. Typical rotten manager move…
2. Predictable Personalities
Remember how every boy band consisted of the leader, the bad boy, the funny guy and the smart one? You know what I’m talking about. Leonardo is Ronan Keating, Raphael is A.J. McLean, Michelangelo is Joey Fatone, and Donatello is Danny Wood. April O’Neil is the groupie, in case you were wondering.
3. Synchronised Moves and Similar Outfits
Synchronised moves and similar wardrobes…no, we’re not talking about Westlife; we’re talking about the Turtles. Yeah, I saw the four pesky turtles getting their synchronised jive on to Vanilla Ice in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Every fight scene looked like it was choreographed by the team behind New Kids on the Block. Disgusting.
4. Punks Loathe Them
Bebop and Rocksteady are pretty much punk supervillains, but why do they hate the Turtles so much? It’s because they’re pop scum! Think about it: do you think you’d ever spot Henry Rollins enjoying a pint with Aaron Carter? Absolutely not. Bebop and Rocksteady just want to make raw tunes and show the finger to the system, but the Turtles keep hogging (no offence, Bebop) the spotlight. Travesty, I tell you.
5. Marketing Sell-Outs
Putting their likeness on everything from pizza to lunch boxes to bubble bath, the Turtles put even the Parlotones to shame with their unabashed lust for cold hard cash. They don’t care about selling out – just selling. And we aid them by purchasing their action figure line. Shame on us. Shame on all of us.
