If you took the films Gladiator and Titanic, made them infinitely worse, and burned everyone to death at the end, you might have something that would look close to Pompeii.
Add in Jon Snow making the same gormless face he’s made for 4 seasons in Game of Thrones and you end up with a romance that looks more like constipation than love whenever they look at each other. I found myself waiting for the damn volcano to blow all these fools away from about the ten minute mark.
Milo (Harrington) is a slave turned gladiator, who is taken to the city of Pompeii to perform in a festival. Meanwhile, Cassia (Browning), the daughter of the local ruler has returned suddenly from Rome for unexplained reasons. The lives of these two intersect through chance, and they end up both in conflict with a cruel Senator from Rome, Corvus (played by Kiefer Sutherland, who seemed like he was the only guy having fun, which makes his hammy performance the best part of this movie). Corvus in a shocking twist was responsible for the death of Milo’s parents and village. And by shocking I mean not really shocking, just average.
The problem is the short running time of this movie, in Titanic the characters had like a million hours to fall pointlessly in love before dying. Here they meet twice and decide to die for one another, it just looks foolish. I watched this movie with my girlfriend in the hope that it would make for a romantic night in, and instead she spent the whole night raging against the foolishness of what she called “those stupid young people.” According to her, lovingly staring in one another’s eyes is best kept for when there isn’t a huge volcano blowing up behind you, and that they might still have escaped if they didn’t stand around being all melancholy while fire was raining down.
This movie made me have to promise my girlfriend that if a volcano went off; I would grab her and run as quickly as possible without talking. And that if there was only one small horse, we wouldn’t spend our time arguing about who got the horse, I would just give it to her.
So thank you Pompeii. You are responsible for me having to make the weirdest relationship decision I have ever needed to thus far. So I suppose that’s something.
The movie’s awful though.