His name was En Sabah Nur and he’s an immortal genius. Apocalypse has powers of molecular manipulation, technopathy, teleportation, telepathy, telekinesis, psionic force blasts, strength, and can change his size and shape at will. He probably also has no problems hogging the bedsheets at night, too. His big goal, amazingly, is not mutant superiority over regular humans but the survival of the fittest. Yes, that means we’re screwed, but even regular mutants aren’t good enough for this guy.
So what chance do we stand? Actually, here are some ways in which we’re superior to this overgrown clod.
1. Karaoke
Yes, this party favourite may not sound like much of an achievement but if you heard Apocalypse speak in the cartoons you’ll know he’s not only monotonous but monotone too. Sure, Simon Cowell may be able to make anyone a star, but even he’d have his hands full with this tone-deaf titan.
2. Driving A Classic Mini
Okay, so big 4WD off-road monstrosities may be the in-thing but it’s the small car that’s still easier to park. While Apocalypse can get bigger, his standard size is about 7 feet tall and he’s always in bulky armour. Just seeing him try to get into one of these classics should be a riot, and there’s no way he’d be able to get going even if he did. Score one for fans of the original Italian Job too.
3. Sofa-Jumping Like Tom Cruise
It may be a fad that died out quicker than parachute pants, but it’s still fun to jump on furniture. Any 5-year-old or drunken student will agree with that. Not counting some broken bedsprings, the furniture stays intact. Apocalypse looks like someone who weighs more than a tank and that’s on a good day. That’s why his armour doesn’t have a “Lose weight now, ask me how” sticker on the back. We can sofa-jump. He can sofa-break.
4. Knitting
This beloved way of passing the time and creating sweaters and booties that few people ever wear is a fantastic demonstration of human creativity. It requires nimble fingers and a surprising amount of dexterity, and Apocalypse has neither. He may be able to conquer a world, but when it comes to knitting a Christmas sweater he’s all thumbs. However, he’d look much better in a polo-neck.
5. Texting With A Mobile Phone
Touch screens may be the order of the day, but give him a qwerty keyboard model and Apocalypse is in big trouble. His fingers are like mutant pork sausages, and if he hits one key he’ll be hitting another four simultaneously. No amount of interpretive text apps could fix that problem. Rack up a win for the little guy!
6. Headbanging
This time-honoured tradition of rockers around the world is always a good way to let your hair down and enjoy some pounding rhythms. It’s possible that Apocalypse may like the music even if he does dress like Lady Gaga. But with that thick neck, stiff attitude and steel suit he’s not exactly mobile. Heavy Metal maybe what he’s wearing, but it’s not him. Also, it’s a safe bet he sucks at air-guitar.
7. Ice Skating
We may slip and slide a bit on the ice sometimes down at the local rink, but at least we’re flexible and, after a while, we’ll be zipping along. Apocalypse has all the grace of a concrete cow. Assuming that you could even rent skates in his size (he’s got giant boot-feet) the chances are good that he’ll be sprawled out on the ice faster than you can blink.
8. Sitting In A Movie Theatre
At the cinemas, they’ve been making the seats smaller so that they can squeeze more people in. Either that or we’ve been putting on weight, but we know it could never be that one. Yet in a spectacular triumph for the couch potato movie-goer, the average person can still sit in them. Apocalypse prides himself in being above average, but, in this case, it counts against him. If his bulky frame can’t get into a chair to watch a movie, that’s his loss.
9. Clipping Your Toenails
On the surface of it, this may not exactly sound like the toughest of jobs but have you looked at the way that Apocalypse is built? He’s like a John Cena action figure that got made with steroids as the active ingredient. There’s no way he can even bend over, let alone get to his toes. Since he doesn’t even have laces on his boots and they seem to be welded onto him, it’s a fair bet he hasn’t taken them off in years. No mutant power can account for his poor foot hygiene.
10. Go Shopping Without Being Noticed
Ask any celebrity and they’ll tell you how hard it is just getting a loaf of bread and some milk at the local supermarket. There’s something to be said for anonymity, and when you’re a giant bald guy in a metal costume who can’t stop shouting about how superior he is, the odds of him getting a price check on dishwashing liquid may bring him attention he’s not seeking. So much for the survival of the fittest.
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