Now that the hot mess which is Batman v Superman has wasted two and a half hours of our lives, the fallout has been incredible to behold.
It’s a film which has divided fans, critics and the comic book community at large. Some have said that Ben Affleck’s Batman is the definitive modern version, whilst others have said that his portrayal as a dumb alcoholic slab of muscle is the worst ever. Many have said that Gal Gadot brightened the film as Wonder Woman, but many have also said that Jesse Eisenberg’s manic portrayal of Lex Luthor is painful to watch.
Plus there are the questions of why Lois Lane loves Clark Kent at all, what the deal was with Jimmy Olsen getting shot in the head, what was going on with Superman’s vision/dream of his father piling rocks, and whether Superman has more than two facial expressions (grim and constipated).
Everyone has their theories, but what if the truths are far more obvious? Perhaps a cigar is just a cigar. While we can’t answer every question, here are some other alternate theories about what was really happening in the film…
1) That wasn’t Wonder Woman
No, seriously. She may have been the best part of the film, but where in the film is she actually called Wonder Woman? The closest we get to a name that she’s called is Ms. Prince, thanks to a flight attendant. Imagine that you have no knowledge of the advertising, comic books or superheroes in any way. Batman is called Batman, Superman is called Superman, and this mysterious heroine is called… Prince?
If so, you can only imagine what symbol Lex Luthor should have created for her on his computer: the one used by The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. Wait, instead he used the WW wavy line one. Maybe her name was Wibbly Wobbly, and Lex is just a fan of Doctor Who. Who Knows? He’s crazy enough to do that! All we’re saying is that it may not have been her. Also, if she’s been gone from the world of man then how did she know Lex had that photo of her, and why would it matter anyway? Uh… next!
2) Lois Lane is a sex slave
Some have pointed out that based on Man Of Steel and Batman v Superman, we’ve seen no actual reason why Lois and Clark are a couple other than him saving her life a few times. It’s possible that maybe she simply likes muscular lunkheads who wear old hand-me-down spandex costumes, but could it be something more?
In this film, Lois takes a bath and Clark returns home. If you saw the film, you’ll know that in that scene she looks downright terrified of him. There’s no warmth, and possibly it’s concern on her face because the US senate have been picking on him but she really, genuinely looks scared of him. Until, of course, he hops into the bath with her to have sex so maybe that’s all she’s interested in. We’re not saying she’s in an abusive relationship, but it doesn’t look like a healthy one either.
By the way, there’s also some dispute about Lois’s actual gender. In one scene she (he?) points out “I’m not a lady; I’m a journalist.” Later, she confronts General Swanwick – in a men’s bathroom! – and is told that she has a pair of balls. Draw your own conclusions, but that debate should be over already.
3) Bruce Wayne is a sweatshop owner
Picture the scene: A concerned Bruce races off to his Metropolis offices, the city becoming a warzone from the battle between Zod and Superman. Buildings are collapsing all around, explosions and dust clouds turning Metropolis into a wasteland. Yet all those hard-working Wayne employees are still at work, doing their jobs. In fact, they only start to evacuate when Bruce phones and tells them to.
What kind of a tyrant is he, that has his employees waiting on his word to evacuate? Since his top guy there is so dedicated he even sticks around after everyone else has left (only to be blown up moments later), it’s fair to say that Bruce Wayne rules his company through fear and he pays his employees badly. Don’t laugh, he has to turn a profit somehow. Besides, we’re also talking about a man who goes out and brands people like cattle, proving that he owns them. Don’t be surprised to see Bruce Wayne appear in the next Horrible Bosses film…
4) Lex Luthor is Kryptonian
There’s a long-standing trope with sci-fi stories, which is that technology shouldn’t fall into the hands of people on other worlds. In Star Trek it’s a part of the Prime Directive, to not do anything or leave anything behind which can influence an alien society. Heck, even James Bond has self-destruct alarms in his car to prevent its secrets falling into the wrong hands. So did Batman in The Dark Knight. So for a race of alien colonists like the Kryptonians, you’d think it would be obvious.
Apparently not though. Lex boards the Kryptonian ship and the onboard computer instantly accepts him as its new master, unveiling all its secrets to him for no reason whatsoever. Why does it do that for him, when presumably countless military personnel have gone over it for years is anybody’s guess. Maybe it’s because he’s a Kryptonian, or at least partially Kryptonian? We know that the Kryptonians visited Earth 18 000 years before, so maybe one of them got a little too cosy with a local who happened to be Lex’s ancestor? Hey, at least it would explain where meta-genes come from too.
5) Bruce Wayne isn’t an alcoholic but…
Much has been made of Bruce Wayne’s alcoholism in this film. He tells Lex he’s only attending a party for the free drinks, Alfred complains that the wine cellar is empty, and the man once billed as the world’s greatest detective seems to have lost a huge chunk of his IQ. All the pieces seem to fit. Yet what if the truth is far sadder?
It’s Alfred who has the drinking problem. When Bruce is at that party and chatting with Alfred on his radio, we see Alfred gulping down what appears to be a whiskey. Wait, Alfred’s drinking whilst he’s supposed to be working?! Bruce also mentions how Alfred’s abilities and speed have diminished (something Alfred chalks up to age), and it’s Alfred who complains that the wine cellar is empty. Why does he care since it isn’t his? He even looks at an empty bottle on a table, lamenting its loss. It’s possible that Alfred is recovering from a booze-fuelled blackout. Oh Alfred, get some help…
6) Bruce Wayne and Lex Luthor are bankrupt
We don’t really get much sense of Bruce Wayne’s wealth in this film, aside from being a recognised public figure and driving an Aston Martin. However, Lex does point out that he’d like to do some business with him. We know Wayne’s Metropolis offices got destroyed, but they were probably insured. As for Lex, he picked up that fat government contract to rebuild Metropolis. Oh, and a library. Plus he has his illegal weapons sales to keep his bank account full.
While they may be wealthy, their financial situations may not be as impressive as we thought. After all, both of them have had to do advertisements for Turkish Airlines recently. While we see them talking up the highlights of their towns whilst sitting in a rather cramped First Class, why are they doing these advertisements at all? Both of them have private jets, surely? It isn’t a stretch to imagine that they simply need the money. After all, when was the last time you saw Bill Gates or any other billionaire advertising something they don’t own?
And before you say maybe that they may own a part of that company, they don’t. Firstly, Lex says he hasn’t done any business with Bruce Wayne. Secondly, they’re fictional characters.
7) The real villain is…
Doctor Destiny What?! Hang on to your conspiracy theory hat, but this one could be true (although, sadly, it probably isn’t). Batman wants to defeat Superman for vague reasons. Superman wants to scowl at Batman for little reason at all. Lex wants them to fight for so a lot of reasons, none of which make sense. And Doomsday wants to kill them because he’s Doomsday. But what’s with all those wacky dreams? From the Wayne family grave bleeding to the Darkseid-inspired future, plus Jonathan Kent piling rocks, it’s a mystery.
Yet what if those are dreams planted in their mind by comic book villain Doctor Destiny? There’s no reason for Bruce to be dreaming of a precognitive future, he doesn’t have that ability, and Clark seemed pretty awake when he saw Jonathan. Outside of Sandman, the most likely option is Doctor Destiny, who has the ability to manipulate people’s dreams. We may not have seen him anywhere, but it makes more sense than any other reason presented in the film.
Hang on, they didn’t explain any reason for those dreams in the film. In which case, this definitely makes more sense.
8) Doomsday is the best villain ever!
Before you cry foul and say that he was just a poorly-rendered CGI monster with no personality, let’s weigh up the options. He killed Superman. That alone should give him some stock, especially since he killed this particular version of Superman. But even in the comic books he was a bit of a dud, even despite this one big tick in the “win” column. In the animated film Superman: Doomsday he was described as an intergalactic soccer hooligan. We know, deep down, that if the time comes for Superman to cash in his chips, Lex Luthor deserves to be his banker.
But Doomsday’s origins in this are closer to those of Conner Kent, better known as Superboy. Created as a clone from Superman’s Kryptonian DNA and Luthor’s human DNA, he went on to become one of the best characters DC created in modern times. Granted, this version had the man of steel’s DNA substituted with Zod’s, but the idea is very similar. Who knows what this could have led to? If only he’d been given a chance, he might have been a nice guy once we got to know him.
9) Martha is Martha As the old joke goes, Batman’s biggest enemy is a clown and Superman’s is a rock.
Yet nothing stopped Batman in his tracks in this film quite like the sudden mention of his mother’s name, Martha. Even if Superman meant his mother. The obsessive dark knight spent years plotting the death of Superman, beating some tyres with a sledgehammer and putting together his lethal arsenal to prepare for the fight – one in which he’s prepared to kill the man of steel because there’s a 1% chance big blue could turn evil. Yet despite his obsession, one word stops him. But what if there was more to it than that?
What if Martha Wayne was Martha Kent? Perhaps, in league with Joe Chill, she had her accomplice kill her husband Thomas Wayne and staged her own death. Joe and Martha ran away to Smallville, changing their identities to Jon and Martha Kent. That may sound far-fetched but to anyone who saw the Affleck film Gone Girl it should sound perfectly plausible. Is Martha really Marta? Bruce Wayne must have some suspicions, because just stopping a fight which has been years in the making over a simple coincidence is a bit far-fetched.
10) The cosmic villain to fear is…
We know that Lex is a freak in this film. He’s a nut who has a Howard Hughes thing for
urinating in jars and labeling it as Granny’s peach tea, can’t decide if his father was a pioneer he looked up to or an abusive parent he hated, and can’t even make a decent speech without launching into a drug addict-like frenzy of shouting and giggling. Because of this, it’s hard to tell if he’s even crazier at the end of the film than he is at the start. However, he does give an ominous warning:
That’s pretty spooky. Okay, so really it isn’t. It’s possible that he’s referencing WW2 JSA hero Liberty Belle, who gained her powers from bell-ringing. Maybe it’s a reference to his father, an Avon cosmetics salesman and campanologist? Or possibly it was a poor impression of the singing Dinks from Mel Brooks’s film Spaceballs. Okay, so he’s probably referencing Darkseid. Yes, it’s a villain who he hasn’t seen or heard of yet who wears a helmet shaped like a bell, but be honest, those Dinks were kind of cool…
It’s been nearly two years since Superman’s (Henry Cavill) colossal battle with Zod (Michael Shannon) devastated the city of Metropolis. The loss of life and collateral damage left many feeling angry and helpless, including crime-fighting billionaire Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck). Convinced that Superman is now a threat to humanity, Batman embarks on a personal vendetta to end his reign on Earth, while the conniving Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) launches his own crusade against the Man of Steel. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice only has 28% on Rotten Tomatoes despite raking in $850 million dollars at the box office world wide.