Most advice pieces say that you should practice and master your instrument, build up a good work ethic, and work on your songwriting skills prior to starting a band, but those are all lies – no one needs that crap. This is what you should do if you want to start the best band in the world today:
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Have a beer and decide on a band name.
This is the most crucial part of a band formation. But first, get a cold brewskie and sit down. Ready? Good. You need a great name; it doesn’t need to relate to what you stand for – it must just sound badass and look good in a Bleeding Cowboy font. Something that relates to skulls, or death, is normally a winner. Also, forget about punctuation and grammar. There really is no difference between The Beatles and The Beatle’s.
Buy wristbands, band shirts, and get a rad haircut.
Why spend money on musical equipment or lessons, when your image will be what helps you score groupies and the adulation of music fans everywhere? Once the sponsors see how cool you look, they’ll come flocking with deals. It’ll be raining money. Promise.
Stand at gigs and judge other bands.
Fold your arms, wipe away that smile, and trash-talk them, son. Yeah, you can do better than them. I mean, why not? Screw experience or the fact they’ve actually played a gig; you have the power of destiny on your side – the calling to start a band after you first heard Slayer’s ‘Reign in Blood’. When you finally get up on that stage, you’ll destroy everyone with your awesomeness and unique songs, which are influenced by Nirvana, Metallica, The Offspring, Alter Bridge, Limp Bizkit, Chevelle, Lil Wayne, Britney Spears, Killswitch Engage, Lamb of God, Slipknot, Blink 182, Bon Jovi, Pearl Jam, Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, The Doors, Sum 41, Kiss, Def Leppard, Eminem, and the Bee Gees.
Go on a tirade against the media.
Those idiots suck for not even having heard of your formation, despite you going through a thousand name changes before finally settling on Black Skulls in a Cold, Hard Place Between Heaven, Hell and Earth. How hard is it to find you among the millions of other bands that form on the same day? You are better than them, so they’re just being lazy and unhelpful to the music scene by not covering you. Be a real man: attack them on Facebook.
If you’re a happy person, you better change that. Start complaining. No-one likes a cheerful musician. You’re supposed to be sombre and hate everything. Does the sunshine on your face and fresh morning breeze make you smile? Stop it. Hate the sun. Hate the breeze. Hate it all with every fibre of your being. Become a troll.
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Record your songs immediately.
Do you have one riff? Then, you are ready to record a song. Never spend money on a real studio with a real producer, when you have a perfectly functional computer at home and you’re, well, you. Repeat the riff for three minutes and add some random vocals. Afterwards, put it up on Bandcamp and ask people to pay $10 for it. You better get a shovel, because the money will be streaming in, yo!
Once you’ve done all of the above, you’re finally ready to tackle the next crucial step: Creating a homemade music video on your iPhone. This invaluable process will be discussed in the next column.