Verdict: 1 / 5
Double the action. Double the terror. Double the D’s. This is what the DVD box proclaims proudly under the title of Piranha 3DD; right under a gratuitous display of quivering mammary flesh. In fact; it’s rather hard at all to even pick out a piranha on the cover; leading the viewer to believe quite rightly that this could in fact just be an awful attempt at breaking into the pornography business. This sequel to 2010’s remake of the Piranha horror based series certainly isn’t shy; and that’s about the best I can do at giving it a compliment.
A year after monstrous piranhas attacked Lake Victoria; most of the surrounding populace believes the threat to be removed. But when a new swarm breaks lose; it’s up to “marine biologist” Maddy and her friend-zoned partner Barry to stop the swarm in time before they break into Maddy’s step-father’s fancy waterpark on the day of its grand opening. Incidentally; for a publicity stunt; the waterpark has hired David Hasselhoff to play a celebrity life guard; meaning that this film contains two horrors: monstrous fish, and David mugging the camera as he desperately tries to live off of past glories and not face the fact that he has ruined the vast majority of his life in pointless and utterly demeaning efforts. You can almost see it in his face; after the third time you play “yourself” in a movie; you can almost start to see the pain in an actor’s eyes; as they become more parody than real human.
Although, I’d rather talk about the Hoff than about the piranhas. They kill people. Yawn. Nothing special here. Although the filmmakers do get some points for thinking of as many horrific ways to demean women, either sexually or violently or both. I especially thought the part where a gratuitously fake decapitated head sprays blood all over a women’s jiggling chest. Classy and sophisticated in every possible way.
Piranha 3DD isn’t a movie; it’s something for small pre-teens to giggle at when they sneakily watch it when they’re not supposed to. It’s something for people who still think a bare chest is the height of maturity; and who have quite possibly never had exposure to the internet before. It’s a bro-tier movie that gets one point more than the minimum; because at the end of the day; the monumental failure it is is at least sometimes funny to watch; rather than just horrifically depressing.