I’m writing about these two movies together, because, at the end of the day, I really struggle to remember what happened in one and what happened in the other. After all, why sell the same rubbish once when you can do it twice in the same year? There are many remarkable similarities between these two movies, they both primarily parody Paranormal Activity, and they both profess to be comedy movies, when in fact they fall into the little known genre of “Suicide-Inducing in Order to Escape Them.” And so, I decided, in the absence of any redeemable feature, to not so much describe these movies to you, but rather simply to list a few of their most unforgiveable sins:
A Haunted House
• Thinking that because you are a Wayons, you are automatically funny.
• Thinking that a fart joke is funny; not just once, but so much so that it must be repeated throughout the entire film.
• Lazily stealing the plot of an entire movie, putting in your own actors, and hiding behind “it’s a parody.”
• Making the joke “White people do this….But black people do this…” and thinking that it’s funny.
• Taking the above joke and making a 90 minute movie out of it.
• Having your character get raped by a ghost for a while and thinking that’s funny.
• Doing the most damage to Black America since Madea.
Scary Movie V
• Putting the nail in the coffin of a series that, for a time, was actually pretty funny.
• Thinking that having Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan appear and act like themselves is a joke.
• Thinking that the above is a topical and relevant joke.
• Gratuitous use of Snoop Dogg, based on the fact that Snoop Dogg is funny because he is Snoop Dogg
• Thinking that talking about weed is a joke on its own.
• Saying “Cabin in the Woods” ten times in a row, in order to make us realize that yes, this is the extent of your reference to Cabin in the Woods.
• Thinking that Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Black Swan, and Inception are all recent enough to be topical subjects for parody.
So which one is better than the other? Well, they both run for 86 minutes, so we can’t score them there. During A Haunted House I alternated between bored and offended, whereas during Scary Movie V I experienced more of a feeling of being exasperated and upset; so take your pick. The saddest part is, the people who make these movies really, really should know better by now. I honestly hate both these movies, and will keep them only as benchmarks for a standard of low quality, as in “At least this kidney stone isn’t as bad as watching Scary Movie V/A Haunted House again!”