Verdict: 1 / 5
What can be said about Bone Boys? It’s a modern take on the cannibalism and shock-horror sub-genres of horror and it just doesn’t pan out as expected.
In the second paragraph I usually cover a bit of the story, while trying not to give away any spoilers. I believe movies and readers alike deserve spoiler-free reviews, but I cannot offer the same to Bone Boys, because I’m still not entirely sure what actually happened in the movie. To be honest the movie is so badly written, acted and cut that it’s difficult to really summarise the plot. It starts off with the main character (played by Ali Faulkner) driving with some friends, they antagonise two other teens, a chase ensures, they hit a dog, some cannibals want her, while killing off her friends, and finally I wished the movie was over. Or something to that effect.
Okay, so what I’ve gathered – from the last fifteen minutes or so – is that Bone Boys is a sort of modern remake on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). Again this is gathered from the last fifteen minutes. I can surmise as to how the movie pitch for Bone Boys went:
Hollywood Executive 1: “Hey, we should remake that movie with the chainsaws. You know the one.”
Hollywood Executive 2:” Do you mean The Texas Chainsaw Massacre?”
Hollywood Executive 1: “No, no! The other one.”
Hollywood Executive 2: “What other one? There’s just The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
Hollywood Executive 1: “Yea, that’s the one.”
Hollywood Executive 2: “…okay, but it’s already been done. In fact it’s been done a few times.”
Hollywood Executive 1: “Let’s do it anyways and set it in a city. All spooky and what not. Oh and pass the crack pipe.”
The movie’s characters are crazy and unbelievable. I’m not talking about the gang of cannibals – they’re supposed to be crazy – but rather the group of teenagers who get slaughtered. I didn’t care that they died, but I did care about running out of chicken chow mein ten minutes into the movie.
I’ll try to say something nice about this movie; the redeeming part of it is the gore. When I say redeeming I mean it in the way that Order 66 redeemed Revenge of the Sith (sort of). Do you get what I’m saying? You wait for the gore and it’s only shown in small bits. Most of the movie consists of characters running, screaming, or covering themselves in vaseline. The last part isn’t a joke. It actually happened.
If you don’t like horror then stay away, but if you like horror then stay away. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation made more sense.