Verdict: .5 / 5
There are few movies that are arguably so bad that they’re actually good. Troll 2 is the cream of the crop when it comes to good bad movies. Just two minutes in and you can already tell that you’re in for 93 minutes of pure brilliance. It has absolutely no redeeming qualities, except maybe… hilarious campy dialogue, atrocious acting, bizarre special effects, and a script birthed in hades. The film is rated as one of the worst movies ever made on IMDB.com, and is commonly celebrated as the worst movie ever made. Troll 2 makes Glitter and Gigli look like Citizen Kane – yes, it’s that bad.
Do you see this writing…? Do you know what it means…? Hospitality. And you can’t piss on hospitality! I WON’T ALLOW IT! – Michael Waits
Stalwart viewers, who can make it past the opening two minutes, can expect midgets in potato sacks (with pillows stuffed underneath), humans turning into plants, moronic horny teenagers, maniacal laughter from a witch with a Hungarian accent, horrific acting, an 80’s bubblegum soundtrack, the most annoying kid protagonist (who wears a look of constant constipation), a laughable erotic scene involving corn and even an inane death by popcorn smothering scene. Worst of all, Trolls 2 doesn’t feature a single troll.
[Elliott sneaks into Holly’s bedroom]
Holly: Elliott! What kind of idiotic joke is this? You scared the sh** out of me!
Elliott: I’m the victim of a nocturnal rapture. I have to release my lowest instincts with a woman.
Holly: [Punches Elliott in the groin] Release your instincts in the bathroom.
Elliott: Are you nuts? You tryin’ to turn me into a homo?
Holly: Wouldn’t be too hard. If my father discovers you here, he’d cut off your little nuts and eat them.
If none of the above manages to steer you away, the plot sure will. The Waits family is tired of life in their local town, so they decide to house swap with a family from Nilbog (Goblin spelt backwards. It takes the characters about half the film to figure it out.). Their youngest son, the painfully insincere Joshua, is warned of the danger that awaits the family by his deceased pedophilic Grandfather Seth, who often reappears to tell the boy haunting bedtime stories. Of course the family completely ignores his cries and continues to visit the town despite overwhelming evidence that the boy is telling the truth. They arrive and discover the town’s folks constantly offering them green slimy food. What they don’t know is that the green goo (similar to Nickelodeon’s slime) turns humans into plants, which the goblins love to eat, seeing as they are vegetarians. It’s up to Joshua, Grandpa Seth and a double-decker polony sandwich to save the day.
Quit worrying about her and drink your broth. – Creedence Leonore Gielgud
A good opening sequence can really set the tone of a movie. Troll 2 uses a bizarre story about a boy named Peter, dressed in elf attire (including a pointy hat), being chased through the woods by a group of goblins armed with spears (not to be mistaken with badly aged Ewoks). In the middle of the chase he is distracted by a beautiful young freckled girl who offers his slimy green goo to eat. Which he does of course! He soon realizes that he is a victim of a trap by the Goblins! Darker green paint pours from his head. Cue 80’s pop synth Casio music.
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream… Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream… – Joshua
Troll 2 is a classic. It is the most painful movie you’ll ever watch. But you can’t help laughing through it, especially the scene where Joshua saves his parents from eating goo by pissing all over the table (yes, this really happens). The acting is atrocious, but you can’t really blame the cast for the tone-deaf direction of Claudio Fragasso, who couldn’t even speak English fluently at the time. Troll 2 is cinematic mastery. In the end, you have to agree with Mr. Waits – You can’t piss on hospitality! I won’t allow it!