The Sacred Review


Studio: Incognito Pictures
Running Time:

Verdict: .5 / 5

David Chase released a movie this year. It was called Not Fade Away, and it was kinda okay; you can look at the review on this very site if you want. The point of connection it has to a very mediocre horror movie called The Sacred is that the entire panel of information on the DVD box of The Sacred is literally copy pasted from that other movie, none of the information on The Sacred is correct, except for the rating, which is an admirable attempt to use all the letters, and features a 16LVSNH rating. Good job guys, very well done.

The Scared has a young girl called Jessie who goes into the woods, and gets what the box describes as a series of “erotic, bizarre and terryfing events.” I assume her shirt comes off. She rushes back to the hands of her boyfriend and friends, and together, the 5 young people head back to uncover the truth behind whatever evil is in the woods. I hoped immediately that they would die, and for the most part I was satisfied on that front. That was the only good thing about this movie.

The thing is, a review should expound upon a movie so that you know whether to watch it or not. So, if it isn’t clear, you should never watch this, and if you have, you may need to purge your eyes to be clean from its aura of mediocrity.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, I still have some space. I think it’s so rude that I sit here and keep on going on about what I’m doing; I’d really like to know how you’ve been doing. Did you get that promotion you had hoped for last time? How’s the love life? I know it’s been tough since Sarah left, but you need to understand that you shouldn’t be looking for another version of her, cause that won’t fix any of the hurt in your heart, you need someone new. You’ll be okay. I’m glad we had this talk. We should go for coffee again soon.

Oh yeah, and never watch The Sacred.

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