Hey parents, friends, readers, sex fiends, and scum of the earth. It’s me, your pal Deadpool. I wanna talk to you about something very important to me… cinema etiquette. See, like you, I’m all about getting my money’s worth when I go to see the latest Divergent (I love that name!) sequel. I’m paying to see a movie (with a very hot chick), not some moron who hasn’t been house trained and can’t tell the difference between a redneck whorehouse and a cinema. This is my moment to bitch about it. Hence the title, 10 Lessons From Deadpool On Cinema Etiquette.
When was the last time you went to the movies and there wasn’t some giant turd trying to ruin the film for you? You know the kinda dickwad I’m talking about… He arrives late and, as he moves past you, he shoves his ass so close to your face that you can smell what he ate for dinner the previous night. Then he has the balls to shake his popcorn and slurp on his Slush Puppy all through the film. F### (this is a PG article) that guy. If you can read, these rules are for you a$$hole (I’m allowed one bad word!).
1. Arrive on time
One thing that really grates my balls is when we’re ten minutes into a movie and some half-brained fart face walks in late and proceeds to interrupt everything. You sir are the reason why we have middle fingers! It’s not rocket-science. If a movie starts at 5pm, damn-well be there at 5.
2. Sit on your seat. Don’t save seats for buddies.
While I love that warm fuzzy feeling of sitting in a seat someone’s just sat in, nothing tickles my balls more than arriving at the seat I paid for and finding a giant turd sitting in it. If I toss a stick will you go away?
3. Do not put your feet on the back of the seats or worse between the seats or even worse kick the seats.
I appreciate that you are trying to give me a free back massage, but I will kill anyone who does this. No mercy. No questions. Dead. You will die a very slow and painful death. Do not put your sticky-ass shoes on the back of my seat. Despite your ape-like features, you are not an orangutan.
4. Don’t bring your baby to the movies.
As cute as you might think they are, please leave your demons at home. Although I enjoy the occasional peek at mommy boobs as much as the next guy, there are probably a lot more sanitary places to whip them out. Also, the incessant crying from your little monster might be music to your ears but it’s not for everybody.
5. Say no to the 3Ts – Talking, Texting or Tweeting
You know those ads that show up before the movie asking you to switch off your phone? Crap, I forgot you can’t read. Damn, I’m surprised you made it this far? Next time I’ll try to use more pictures. I don’t think you’re stupid. You just have really bad luck with thinking.
6. Open your refreshments before the movie starts
No! This one is a given, do we really need to keep bringing it up?
7. Take a piss before the movie
On my days off from fighting crime I enjoy visiting old age homes and laughing at the poor old bastards who have to go to the toilet every few minutes. Seriously, it’s like watching a fish in a bowl. Back and forth, back and forth! If you don’t suffer from a serious condition, sit your ass down or go before. CATHETERS PEOPLE, NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT ONE!
8. Sex is fun, but not at the movies.
“If you’re horny, let’s do it. Ride it my pony!” As tempted as you might be to fondle each other, let’s keep the pony riding for your own stable. And don’t do the handjob through the popcorn box thing either. It’s just not classy! Oh hey, look, my middle finger got a boner!
9. Clean up after yourself
Just do it.
10. If you have typhoid, stay your ass at home!
While spewing out your noxious waste into the air around you like an air vent blowing refuge might sound like a fun time, don’t. I’ve body slammed people for much less than this.
Do you agree with my list? Of course, you do! Now go forth and pass on the knowledge to others…. or else Ted gets it in the nuts.