It’s tough being a comic book fan in modern times.
Hollywood has taken our beloved characters and brought them to the masses. Suddenly, our heroes, our friends, are callously shared with the world like syphilis. Every film released is another stab to our fragile hearts, because only we know what’s right for these characters – not the movie goers.
Castings are always wrong
Let’s be honest: Hollywood always gets it wrong. Ben Affleck will be the worst Batman ever, because everyone knows…I’m Batman. No, I’m really Batman – not you. I’M BATMAN! Shut up! You know that I’ll be the best Batman because… Of course I have the chin and the Bruce Wayne playboy attitude nailed… What do you mean I don’t have the Batman voice? Can you not tell from this article that I’ve got the best Batman voice?
Complain about the director
Zack Snyder? Horrible. Steven Spielberg? Over the hill. Christopher Nolan? Plot hole specialist. Joss Whedon? Too mainstream. Guillermo del Toro? Depressing. Tim Burton? Johnny Depp’s adoptive father. JJ Abrams? Jar Jar Abrams. Colin Trevorrow? Obsessed with CGI. Michael Bay? KABOOM!
Rage about how the film isn’t canon
Can you believe those lazy Hollywood directors don’t even ask for our permission about what we’d like to see on the big screen? I mean, why can’t we see the Silver Age Batman in a Dark Knight Returns world fighting Batman Beyond characters?
It’s ridiculous that screenwriters are allowed to interpret these characters and worlds the way they see fit. It simply isn’t canon – even if canon consists of approximately 20-30 variations of the same fictional character continuing to evolve – but whatever… the world doesn’t need to know this. The fact is, it isn’t canon so it sucks.
Judge the trailer until it bleeds
It’s a proven fact by the Comic Book Fan Basement Association that all trailers are accurate representations of films. So if you dislike the two minutes and thirty seconds of what you see, judge away and feel the hatred burn in the pits of your stomach along with last night’s taco surprise. How dare the producers release a marketing snippet that doesn’t share too much/doesn’t share enough of the film? Where’s Doomsday’s horns and beard? Why do they not consult us every step of the way? The most important rule to remember is this: if you hate the trailer, tell everyone how terrible it is and you won’t watch the movie (even if you’ve already pre-booked your opening night tickets).
Don’t allow others to be positive about the film
If someone admits to looking forward to a film or actually (gasp!) liking it, you need to tear them to shreds. Call them a fake a fan and bring up some obscure fact from Action Comics #32 to highlight they’ve never read a comic. To rub further salt in the wound, tell the world they enjoyed the Catwoman film starring Halle Berry. The Internet is no place for positivity and tolerance.