Apocalypse Columns

10 Reasons Why You’re Better Than Apocalypse




Next year Bryan Singer’s going to hopefully get the X-Men film franchise (and his career) back on track with X-Men: Days Of Future Past. For those who never read the comics, it was one of the most groundbreaking stories they ever did, where in the far-flung future of 2013 (uh…) most of the X-Men are dead and the world is on the brink of nuclear war. Kitty Pryde gets sent back to the present (1980) to solve the problem before it starts. It’s like The Terminator only with spandex. You may have seen versions of it in the various cartoon series, or you may have missed it entirely, but it’s a big one.

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Of course, the film is going to tinker about with it and unsurprisingly it looks like it’s Wolverine who’s taking the trip because… well, he’s Wolverine. It’s also the first instalment of a two-parter, as Bryan Singer announced that X-Men: Apocalypse is following it. Odds are good it’s based on the Age Of Apocalypse storyline, which means Wolverine’s actions may just make things a whole lot worse. If you don’t know who Apocalypse is, he’s the mutant who makes other mutants look weak. How tough is he? Try this for size:

His name was En Sabah Nur and he’s an immortal genius. He has powers of molecular manipulation, technopathy, teleportation, telepathy, telekinesis, psionic force blasts, strength, and can change his size and shape at will. He probably also has no problems hogging the bed sheets at night, too. His big goal, amazingly, is not mutant superiority over regular humans but survival of the fittest. Yes, that means we’re screwed, but even regular mutants aren’t good enough for this guy. So what chance do we stand? Actually, here are some ways in which we’re superior to this overgrown clod…

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1) Karaoke: Yes, this party favourite may not sound like much of an achievement but if you heard Apocalypse speak in the cartoons you’ll know he’s not only monotonous but monotone too. Sure, Simon Cowell may be able to make anyone a star, but even he’d have his hands full with this tone-deaf titan.

2) Driving A Classic Mini: Okay, so big 4WD off-road monstrosities may be the in-thing but it’s the small car that’s still easier to park. While Apocalypse can get bigger, his standard size is about 7 feet tall and he’s always in bulky armour. Just seeing him try to get into one of these classics should be a riot, and there’s no way he’d be able to get going even if he did. Score one for fans of the original Italian Job too.

3) Sofa-Jumping Like Tom Cruise: It may be a fad that died out quicker than parachute pants, but it’s still fun to jump on furniture. Any 5 year old or drunken student will agree with that. Not counting some broken bedsprings, the furniture stays intact. Apocalypse looks like someone who weighs more than a tank and that’s on a good day. That’s why his armour doesn’t have a “Lose weight now, ask me how” sticker on the back. We can sofa-jump. He can sofa-break.

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4) Knitting: This beloved way of passing the time and creating sweaters and booties that few people ever wear is a fantastic demonstration of human creativity. It requires nimble fingers and a surprising amount of dexterity, and Apocalypse has neither. He may be able to conquer a world, but when it comes to knitting a Christmas sweater he’s all thumbs. However, he’d look much better in a polo-neck.

5) Texting With A Mobile Phone: Touch screens may be the order of the day, but give him a qwerty keyboard model and Apocalypse is in big trouble. His fingers are like mutant pork sausages, and if he hits one key he’ll be hitting another four simultaneously. No amount of interpretive text apps could fix that problem. Rack up a win for the little guy!

6) Headbanging: This time-honoured tradition of rockers around the world is always a good way to let your hair down and enjoy some pounding rhythms. It’s possible that Apocalypse may like the music even if he does dress like Lady Gaga. But with that thick neck, stiff attitude and steel suit he’s not exactly mobile. Heavy Metal may be what he’s wearing, but it’s not him. Also, it’s a safe bet he sucks at air-guitar.

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7) Ice Skating: We may slip and slide a bit on the ice sometimes down at the local rink, but at least we’re flexible and after a while we’ll be zipping along. Apocalypse has all the grace of a concrete cow. Assuming that you could even rent skates in his size (he’s got giant boot-feet) the chances are good that he’ll be sprawled out on the ice faster than you can blink.

8) Sitting In A Movie Theatre: At the cinemas they’ve been making the seats smaller so that they can squeeze more people in. Either that or we’ve been putting on weight, but we know it could never be that one. Yet in a spectacular triumph for the couch potato movie-goer, the average person can still sit in them. Apocalypse prides himself in being above average, but in this case it counts against him. If his bulky frame can’t get into a chair to watch a movie, that’s his loss.

9) Clipping Your Toenails: On the surface of it, this may not exactly sound like the toughest of jobs but have you looked at the way that Apocalypse is built? He’s like a John Cena action figure that got made with steroids as the active ingredient. There’s no way he can even bend over, let alone get to his toes. Since he doesn’t even have laces on his boots and they seem to be welded onto him, it’s a fair bet he hasn’t taken them off in years. No mutant power can account for his poor foot hygiene.

10) Go Shopping Without Being Noticed: Ask any celebrity and they’ll tell you how hard it is just getting a loaf of bread and some milk at the local supermarket. There’s something to be said for anonymity, and when you’re a giant bald guy in a metal costume who can’t stop shouting about how superior he is, the odds of him getting a price check on dish washing liquid may bring him attention he’s not seeking. So much for survival of the fittest.

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  • http://twitter.com/aylmers_tune jake sorenson (@aylmers_tune)

    my god this is a stupid article was this written by a 10 year old?

  • Not interesting

    I honestly thought this would be interesting with numerous facts about the character and some obscure details from the comics. But no, just unfunny crap written by what seems to be a man-child.

  • Cornei

    i thought it was funny